The Layoff

The joys of being unexpectedly laid off...

Note to self, remember all those things you said you would get to if you had time?  I spent the 1st week in shock and the 2nd week trying to figure out what's next. Of course in between I did post my resume and look for work. I also came to one big realization, I had let my job become the center of my universe for awhile. I even had let it define me, it became the thing I could throw myself into and was in many ways so rewarding. I saw the results of my efforts unlike in other areas of my life. I felt appreciated, that I was making a difference. 

When that ended I felt lost. And really sad. It took some real reflection to realize I needed that passion to be there in my own life, in the things I've declared matter to me. It became very clear that I also needed to learn the art of detachment. I've had enough reminders lately that life is short and I need to be more careful where I spend it. 

So, I've brushed myself off and I'm ready for the next adventure. I'm not sure yet where it will take me but I've chosen a path and I'm going to start walking.

The "I don't seen any other way but to end it" Brule

I am really working on this Brule for myself at this moment. This is how it often plays out in my life; A difficult relationship - I don't see any way through it so the solution is to end it. My thinking is usually that its unworkable, I've tried everything so it's time to part ways. Well, as a good friend recently put it,  as long as there are people involved it's going to be messy.

Messy as in imperfect, some at times prone to acts of unreasonableness and unaware of their impact on others. That about sums up some things going on in my life right now. Of course there are relationships it's easier to walk away from then others.  But I am reminded of the fact that sometimes (ok most of the time) the common denominator is me. So what is my role in letting it get to the point that I feel I have to walk away? Don't get me wrong, of course there are times it is fine to end things. They run it's natural course, distance, you have changed more than both parties are comfortable with and so on. I'm not talking about those examples. More, things are blowing up around you and you just can't take the stress or the drama anymore.

I have to accept that if I had better boundaries, practiced detachment better they would not have gotten so out of hand in the first place. So, I'm working on strengthening those muscles right now. It's okay not to step in every time or even every other time. Things can fail, people can disagree without me trying to make peace and the world will still be fine.

I am working on letting things play out, without my interference then I'm not in the center of the drama looking desperately for the exit. I'm imperfect and will probably need lots of practice but at least I am aware now. With awareness comes choice.

 

When life takes a detour

It's hard to believe it's already July and the last time I checking in here was March. I've been so focused on my new job everything else seems to have been put on hold. Until I found myself in the hospital with a blocked intestine for 4 days. That's enough to give me pause and think about what's going on in my life.

I had to take a hard look at what role stress was playing in my life and decide want I wanted to do about it. In my case it meant putting on my big girl pants and addressing some issues that had been causing me a lot of stress. This seems to be a theme this summer as I question the "brules" in my life. For those of you not familiar with the term brule=bullshit rule. The ones we formed from age 0-9 and have rules our lives.

I can't make money doing something I love.

Work has to be hard.

Marriage is a lot of work.

We all have them and I've been spending the last few weeks questioning mine and what place they have in my life.

I plan on writing about each of them and what letting go has meant in my life. 

Stay tuned!

Beautiful plant or weed?

I’m writing today about acceptance and it’s place in an intimate relationship. What do you do if your natural instinct when things seem impossible is to run? Relationships can take work, like a seed to grow they need water, sunshine and care. Sometimes the beautiful plant we thought we were growing now looks like a weed. Most of the time it’s our past that makes us give up and want to run. No matter how much work I seem to do it’s still there in the back of my mind, the whisper that says “this can’t work, time to leave”. There is also truth in the recognition that sometimes it’s not worth the effort you would have to put in to save it. Yes, I just said it... you only have so much time on this planet choose wisely how you spend it. I think it’s hard, especially as a woman to reconcile with that. Or maybe just for me. I fight the “it’s over” default mechanism and hope I’m not over compensating and staying past the point of healthy for both of us. 

I also question if I even really understand what unconditional love is. I know it for my son and for my pets. No matter how badly they behave there is never a question of my leaving them. So that means I’m capable of it...

 

Valentines Day

I've been thinking alot about the meaning of influential love lately.  Valentines Day is around the corner and a reminder to me that love is the most powerful force in the universe. So what is the opposite? I believe it's apathy, doing nothing just refusing to engage, even with yourself. I understand, this world can be heartbreaking and often appears cruel and unjust. If I look at the news I have a constant reminder of just how f*@&ed up things are. But if I am sitting at home surrounded by those I love, enjoying the sun, the melting snow and the peacefulness around me I can really feel.. love. The kind that reminds me to fill the bird feeder. The birds get a much needed meal, I'm entertained by their antics and my cats forget their mission to destroy my carpets for awhile mesmerized by the site of 20 birds just outside the window.

In this crazy week that celebrates love and includes the NH primaries, it would be hard to avoid the political times we live in.  It even seeps into my own home where my husband and I differ greatly in our views. I think to be influential with love you have to speak your truth, even if it's scary. You need to ask for what you need regardless of the consequences. Not feeling appreciated, say it.. Need more from the people in your life, ask for it. 

Love doesn't require we always or even often agree with each other. This weekend whether you are single, married or it's complicated celebrate love and ask yourself what it means to you. What if you decided to love yourself, be your own soul mate...